The thing is I see myself naked...

As i sit waiting for this 5 hour energy to kick in at 10:30 I thought I'd write about a conversation I had with a friend yesterday about this new blog. The friend of mine, a guy, said that my first post made him realize how differently males and females see the female body. He thought that although I looked different in the picture in the white and the picture in the orange, both pictures were equally attractive. This conversation raise a couple of things:

1) The picture in the white that I posted was me during my freshman year of college, I was around 156 lbs (the same weight I am right now although I think i look smaller now). That picture didn't however reflect me at my biggest so I thought that I really needed to find a picture that bared all. This process was quite funny because I, like many women I suspect, delete all pics of me that I think make me look fat. The only pics I tend to keep around are pics where I look normal or maybe even...deceptively skinny (yes, i've played the role of a decepticon,bamboozling people from time to time). When a picture of me does show up thats fat, I immediately detag, beg the person to remove, or do my best job of cropping all the extra body-ody-ody OUT. It's kind of funny how in the world of Facebook and twitter, you can not only "construct" a new personality, you can construct a new "body"/better "body" or appearance.

Anyway it took some time but I found this picture from December of 2006. This was right after my domestic exchange where i had gained all the weight i lost plus A LOT..

If you look closely, you can see my Spanx was CLEARLY not doing its job. You might even say it was running away. I'm not mad Spanx. I'm not mad. This pic probably gives a more accurate view of how my weight has fluctuated.

2) When I complain to my friends and throw my self pity parties, I'll say how fat and disgusting I am. Now I KNOW that I'm not really "FAT." There may be some people who read this blog or see these pics and think I look fine or OK. And maybe part of the reason why losing (and keeping off) these 10-20 lbs have been so difficult for me is because I generally get by just fine with a little extra weight. Females compliment me, men try to holler and I do a pretty good job of looking good in clothes.

The thing is...

I see myself naked and that sh-t is troubling.

I remember a conversation with a guy friend once who said he'd only seen two women in his life (out of A LOT) who actually looked better once he got them naked than they did clothed. Everyone's body is different of course. A close female friend of mine who is in impeccable shape right now would always say when she weighed more that she looked a lot better naked than she did clothed.

But me....naked....is troubling.

I want to to have tight abs, a toned and cut back, and not quite Angela Basset arms....

I want to wear a 4 or 6 again...

but really...really...

i want to look hot naked.

- Nash